Elizabeth Davis asked:


Copyright (c) 2008 Elizabeth Davis

A subscriber wrote in and said, “The greatest challenge that I am having in my life right now is in my relationship with my boyfriend. I am ready to take the next step in commitment, either living together or marriage. But I don’t know if he will ever be ready. We have been together for 3 years, with a brief break up for a month, just a couple of months ago. The reason for the break up was non-commitment on his part. Please help with what I should do.

Everything else in my life is going well, now that I have learned “the Secret” and use it everyday in my life. I am working on bringing more money in, too, but I need to find my true passion. Thank you so much for your interest in me.”

Over the past nine years, I’ve read thousands of hands and the issue of “commitment” in relationships comes up again and again. No surprise there. We long for and need connection with our fellow humans. The greatest desire for most of us when it comes to relationships is finding an appropriate partner. In today’s article. we’ll explore 3 main strategies I’ve discovered from reading hands on how to take your relationship to the next level and create the commitment you seek.

Strategy #1: Your Partner is Your Mirror = Look Closely

Do you complain that your partner won’t commit, doesn’t keep his/her agreements, won’t help out around the house, etc.? Whenever this issue comes up, I find, without exception, that the individual logging the complaint has the SAME issue in their hands. So for example, Andrea wants her husband to pick up after himself and nags him incessantly about those lonely socks on the floor. Andrea secretly dreams of being a writer - she has a writing gift marker in her hand. When I ask Andrea, “Andrea, what are YOU doing to further your writing ambitions?” I am met with a blank stare. Sometimes, just sometimes, the person receiving the hand analysis session will perk up and say, “Oh, my goodness, I see what you mean. I’m nagging after him when I should be writing.” Righto! The “mirror effect” isn’t always obvious - writing and picking up one’s socks may not, at first glance, have a lot in common.

Here’s my Coach’s Challenge:

What is the CORE ISSUE of your complaint with your partner and how does this mirror back something in yourself? In Andrea’s case, it’s lack of action. Once you have the “core issue,” ask YOURSELF, where do I need to apply this wisdom to move forward in my own self-development? (Note: Sometimes finding our what our partner is mirroring means we need to move on from the relationship. I’m also not implying that you should have to put up with a slob. It’s important to ask for what you need in your relationships… which brings me to strategy #2.)

Strategy #2: It Is NOT Your Partner’s Job to Read Your Mind = Speak Up!

If I had a dollar for every person who has said to me, “He (or she) should just know.” Really? Strategy #2 is so obvious that you should probably just *know* what it is. Just kidding. But you’ve heard it before - and I’m saying it again - it is absolutely essential to speak up and COMPLETE the communications in your relationships. If you find that this task falls to you again and again, your hands will no doubt reveal that learning to speak up is part of your growth journey.

What do I mean by “completing the communication?” It means making a request for something you’d like or need in the relationship, such as more alone time or more together time. It also means setting clear boundaries and also knowing when to keep your mouth shut and just listen. So many of our relationship conflicts are due to feeling a need to respond to everything that is said rather than just listening.

Here’s my Coach’s Challenge: What have you NOT said that you are afraid to say? I challenge you to say it and stay open to your partner’s response. Many times we don’t speak our truth because we’re not really interested in hearing the other person’s response - it may not be what we want or expect - OR their truth may scare us. You can save yourself a lot of trouble by simply addressing this before sharing your inner vulnerability. “Honey, I need to share this with you. I don’t know how you’re going to respond. I will do my best to stay open to your response without reacting and I invite you to share your truth with me.” The less frightened we are of rejection, abandonment and attack, the easier it becomes to share our innermost truth with another (which, by the way, is the dictionary definition of “intimacy.”)

Strategy #3: Who Are You REALLY Committed To?

The first person to commit to is yourself. I can’t overstress this. Commit to your health, your happiness, you self-awareness, your self-expansion. If you’re not committed to being all you can be, you’ll probably attract a fair amount of misery in your relationships. Why? You’ll be expecting the other person to fill up a hole that’s inside of you. In the case of the subscriber, she mentions, “I am working on bringing more money in, too, but I need to find my true passion.” This is a major clue! She wants a commitment from her partner but has yet to commit to her own passion. Trying to get passion from another when you won’t give it to yourself is a fruitless endeavor. Believe me - I know. I dated many men with “commitment” issues! But at the time, I couldn’t see that I was so busy worrying about their messy lives that I didn’t have to face the emptiness and lack of passion in my own. I wasn’t committed to me.

BUT - there is a deeper issue here. HOW do you commit to yourself? Okay. Brace yourself for this one. You have to let go of the all the “commitments” that are dragging you down. What do I mean? If you’re a grown woman and you’re in a committed partnership, do you still call your mom every day? If so, take a deeper look. If you’re in a relationship, and your eye is roving outside of the relationship, what are you not experiencing with your partner and what are you doing to take care of it (within the relationship)? Whether single or in a partnership, do you still seek the approval of your parents - whether living or dead? It is absolutely essential to divorce your parents psychologically and grow up. If you don’t, you’ll never, well, grow up and form healthy bonds with others.

If you’re over 25 years old and not over what your parents did or didn’t do, you’re in for a rough ride with your partner because you’ll be looking to them be the perfect mom or dad you didn’t have. And YES - these scenarios show up in people’s hands - in detail. As Jerry Seinfeld once commented sarcastically, “You CARE what your parents think?” Seriously. Think about it and get over it as fast as possible. There is nothing more deadly to adult partnerships that adult children looking to their man or woman to be mommy or daddy. This also applies to friendships and work relationships, too. Does your best friend refuse to grow up and live her own life? How does this affect your friendship? Does your boss resemble your dad and do you still engage in the same power struggles as you did with your father?

Here’s my Coach’s Challenge: Make a list of the top 5 most important relationships in your life. Now ask yourself, is your commitment to these relationships (whether the person is living or dead), healthy or unhealthy? In other words, does the relationship allow you to grow, expand and be all you can be, or does the relationship somehow limit your full expression? If you are in a committed partnership, where are the “commitment leaks?” Too much dependence on mom or dad’s approval? Roving eye outside of the relationship? Over-committed to work or friends at the expense of time with your partner? Once again, look closely and you will be amazed at what you find.



SEILHAMER

Elizabeth Davis asked:


(c) 2008 Elizabeth Davis

In my previous article (Part 1), we looked at these 3 strategies for bringing more commitment and satisfaction to your intimate relationships:

1. Your Partner is Your Mirror = Look Closely. What bothers you in your partner is an opportunity for g-r-o-w-t-h. Don’t turn away. Look more closely.

2. Speak Up and Share Your Truth. Most people aren’t mind-readers. Having unspoken expectations is a major cause of relationship blow outs and disappointments. Speak your heart and soul.

3. Make a Commitment: To YOUR SELF! If you don’t commit to you, who will? No one is ever going to love you like you can love yourself. NO ONE. Only you can love yourself fully 100%. Besides, it’s your responsibility. As Buddha said, “Work out your own salvation. Don’t depend on others.”

Today, we’re going to look at 3 MORE strategies for improving your *conscious contact* in your love life.

There are three places I look at on first glance to find out about a person’s relationship issues.

#1 The Heart Line: Recognize that Your Love Style Isn’t Necessarily Your Partner’s Love Style

Notice the line beginning beneath the pinky finger and running horizontally along the palm to stop between the middle and pointer fingers? This is the heart line. The individual pictured here is independent in love and likes his personal freedom. He needs to let his partner know that his need for “cave time” isn’t a personal criticism of his partner. Where does your heart line stop?

Understanding your love style and that of your partner creates an opportunity to love each other in the way the other wants to be loved, instead of trying to love each other in the way each *expects* to be loved. Big difference.

#2 The Pinky Finger: Are You Getting Enough Closeness and Affection?

Sometimes the pinky finger (named “Mercury”) sits lower on the upper ridge of the palm in comparison to the other fingers. When this happens on a woman’s hands, it means she’s not getting enough closeness and affection. Typically, she will withdraw and hide out. Guess what she needs to do? Get out there and let people know she exists! It also helps to get non-sexual therapeutic touch to keep the body and heart vibrant and connected.

When this marker appears in a man’s hands, he often feels that making his partner happy is his “job.” He learned as a boy that he was responsible for mommy’s happiness (or made this decision on his own) and now he feels that to be a good lover, he must anticipate his partner’s needs. That gets to be exhausting. Remedy? Speak up and share HIS needs.

#3 The Mount of Venus: Are You Warm and Fuzzy or a Wee Bit Chilly?

See that big mount at the base of the thumb? That’s the mount of Venus. Venus was the goddess of love and beauty in the Roman pantheon (”Aphrodite” in the Greek). When this mount appears full and fleshy as in the image above, it means that you have a warm heart and love of live. You appreciate fine art, good food, good company and a desire to be connected with your family and friends.

If the mount is depressed, flat or indented, you may be feeling a bit numb about life or have lost your sense of humor along the way. What can you do to bring more joy and warmth to your life? Maybe it’s time for a make-over or vacation? Maybe, just maybe, it’s time to rev up the love quotient in your life and go on a hot date - whether married or single.

Remember that when our needs aren’t met, we attempt to get those needs met in other ways. When you don’t get enough appreciation paid to your own heart line style (”love style”), enough closeness and affection, and/or enough fun, joy and general celebration, you might try to get that attention through competition, flattery, showing off, hiding out or playing martyr. And that’s just the short list! Please feel free to add your own need diversion techniques. This misdirection of our energy then bleeds over into other areas of our lives. Remember “commitment” issues aren’t about the other person. Commitment simply means “to do.” What can you do for YOU today?

The Hand Analyst’s Action Challenge: Take a look at your own hands (your dominant hand is your “public self” and your non-dominant hand is your “private self”) and compare with the indicators described in this article. Are any of your love needs not being met? If so, what can you do - right NOW - to take care of yourself?



SHORTY

Elizabeth Davis asked:


(c) 2008 Elizabeth Davis

In celebration of summer, we will be exploring the hands of various celebrities.

Today, we begin with a young ‘un - Suri Cruise, the vibrant, beautiful daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Children’s hands quickly and accurately reveal the personality of the child.

In the picture found on my website, she is holding up her right hand for all the world to see. “Showing your hand” - openly, freely - is thought to symbolize an open, trusting nature - a person with nothing to hide. Great spiritual leaders throughout history are often depicted holding up both their hands, palms facing outward.

If you look closely at her finger tips, you can see how they appear to have shiny, raised mounds of flesh. These little mounds are called sensitivity pads, indicating a sensitive, emotional nature.

Her heart line, which begins beneath her little finger and travels up to touch the base of her middle finger, is known as the “fire” or “passionate” heart line. Our heart lines reveal our emotional style - the way we process feelings. With a passionate heart line, Suri’s gift to others is her vivaciousness. When she feels something, we see it. There is very little delay between her inner emotional experience and her display of her feelings. Her ability to know what she wants, express her desires and get those desires met actually gives the people around her permission to know what they want. As a typical ‘passionate,’ Suri loves having fun, hates to be bored and can be challenged in staying focused.

Suri could experience challenges later in life with her ‘me-first’ attitude if people imply that she is self-centered or too demanding. (And good luck trying to control her - she will not take kindly to that!) Her challenge will be to know her own wants without losing consideration for the needs and desires of others.

Notice that the mounds of flesh at the base of her thumb and base of her fingers are raised and full. Her fingers are also fuller in the lower zones and taper upward toward the tips. This type of “fullness” indicates that Suri has a large appetite - for food, laughter, affection, excitement. She truly wants to eat life whole.

The mounds beneath her index finger (Jupiter) and ring finger (Apollo) particularly stand out, indicating a path of leadership in the spotlight. She is likely to be in the public eye and stay there for her lifetime - ‘living in the limelight.’

She also has a strong clear head line (beginning between the index finger and thumb and traveling across the hand), indicating ‘clear thinking.’ Her life line, surrounding the mound at the base of the thumb, is well-marked and unbroken, anchoring down toward the wrist, indicating a strong physical constitution and athletic nature. Our life lines don’t reveal the length of our life, but rather, how we manage our physical energy and our relationships with family. Suri has an abundant reserve of physical strength and can utilize this energy when her life requires great endurance or fortitude without taxing her nervous system. People may tell her that she has “nerves of steel.” She will likely experience family encouragement and support from her parents, relatives and friends throughout her life. People are drawn to Suri’s light and want to help her. As a result, she may manifest what she wants as if by magic.

As for any possible challenges, the tip of Suri’s thumb looks a bit flattened, indicating that she might actually feel ‘under pressure’ by the attention she constantly receives from the press and those in her immediate circle. The thumb is also tucked in close to her finger, indicating that her self-reliance has not fully engaged - not surprising for a toddler. (Notice also that her index and middle finger are pressed close together, indicating that she, currently, does not have great independence of action. If they were spread apart, it would indicate independence of action. She still depends greatly on others to get her needs met.)

The other irony I see is that the mound at the base of her thumb, the mound of Venus, indicating our level of joie de vivre, seems small relative to the mound of the moon on the opposite side of her hand and the relative size of the other mounds beneath her fingers. So for all her passion - in her fleshy hands and fingers and her passionate heart line - she might be holding back. Why this is or what is causing it, I can only guess at.

The great opportunity for this child is to keep her heart open, for she has the potential to be a great leader in the arts and politics, likely both. At times, she may find that her opinions clash with those of her family and friends and she will be challenged to engage that tip of her thumb - her will power - and take a stand for what she wants and what she believes.

If a fiery person begins to repress themselves for fear of appearing “too much” or “too selfish,” the consequences can be dramatic outbursts or passive-aggressive manipulation. Let’s say a prayer for this little girl that she is celebrated and encouraged to be fully herself, without apology, no excuses, no matter what!

Isn’t that what we all need to do for ourselves and each other?



NEGLEY